iamingrid:

Sometimes when I get the question whether I am in a relationship I want to reply “Yes, I am. Several, in fact! I have a number of close friends, one of which I consider my platonic soulmate, and all of these friendships are active and strong. I have a wonderful and supportive family, and a couple of old teachers/mentor figures I am still in sporadic contact with. As far as I know, they are all as happy together with me as I am with them. Thank you for asking!”

In my view, no two relationships are identical. It’s not ultimately helpful to talk about whether “friends” or “partners” should come first, or whatever, because both terms are under-defined. More useful, in my opinion, is to talk about the specific features of the relationship, which can differ along many axes. Sitting in bio class, I jotted down a partial list of potential factors to consider:

• Sexuality. Is the relationship sexual or not? How “far” does it go, and how often? Are there particular sexual elements that are emphasized or de-emphasized?
• Touch. Is touch an important part of the relationship? What forms of touch are expected/acceptable/unacceptable? What purposes do each form of touch serve?
• Limerence. This is the “in love” feeling I was calling “romance” in this post. Does either person feel limerence toward the other? Do both? How strong is it, and how long has it lasted? If limerence is not present, was it present in the past?
• Emotional Vulnerability. Do either or both people feel comfortable being emotionally vulnerable with the other? Do they feel comfortable crying in front of the other? Is emotional vulnerability an occasional or frequent part of the relationship?
• Thought-Sharing. How much does each person know about the other? To what extent is it expected that new thoughts will be shared with the other person, and how does that differ based on the topic? To what extent is it acceptable to have secrets from each other, and how does that differ based on the topic?
• Resource Sharing. Are the practical matters of life intertwined? Do they share living spaces, finances, clothing, etc? To what extent is borrowing without asking acceptable?
• Commitment. Have promises been made about the permanence of the relationship? Can the relationship be dropped if either person becomes busy or interested in something else? What actions are required to end the relationship?
• Prioritization. Do they have an obligation to put each other’s needs ahead of their own needs or the needs of “outside” people? How far does this obligation extend? Does it differ based on the type of need?
• Time. How much time do the people in the relationship spend with each other? How much of that time is one-on-one, and how much of it is in groups? How much of that is “accidental” and how much does each person actively seek out time with the other?
• Common Interests. What activities or interests do the people in the relationship have in common? How much of the relationship is based on those activities or interests? How would the relationship change if either or both people lost interest in those topics or activities?
• Group Membership. Is there a shared social group? How much of the relationship is based on that group membership? How would the relationship change if either or both people left the group?
• Exclusivity. Are certain activities reserved for the relationship? (This can be sex, but it needn’t be. My relationship with J was exclusive with regards to watching new episodes of Dr. Who.) Must this activity be one-on-one, or can it be done in a group setting? Are there non-exclusive activities where it’s nonetheless expected to invite the other person?
• Negotiation. Have conversations about “the future of this relationship” happened? Are the expectations of the relationship explicit or implicit?

Excuse me? I’m sorry but do you want to explain to me how exactly Summer is a bitch?

Is it because she made it clear from the start what she wanted from the relationship and what she was willing to give and then didn’t change her mind? (P.S. Tom agreed that he was fine with not being serious even though he clearly wasn’t fine with it)

Is she a bitch because she broke up with a guy when she was no longer happy in the relationship and didn’t want to make herself miserable by sticking around.

Or is it because she didn’t fall madly in love with Tom?

Because you know when someone has feelings for you you are obligated to return those feelings. And even if you don’t feel the same way you should ignore how you feel and cater to the other person’s feelings and needs because heaven forbid you ~break their heart~ by not being in love with them.

Because you know everyone can just control how and when and if they fall in love. 

God damnit

outlawroad:

A very, very useful post. I appreciate the breakdown of relationship components; it’s an effective method of analyzing one’s one social needs and the actual active components of any given relationship you have in your life.

I ALSO appreciate the author’s endorsement of polyamory, which I’ve recently become more interested in. I think for asexuals in particular, polyamory is something that can be truly fascinating and beneficial to partake in—whether or not it’s romantic polyamory! (I prefer to think of polyamory as having multiple love relationships rather than multiple romantic love relationships).

Very interesting article

captainheartless:

So while writing the first piece on Relationship Hierarchies I realized that post was getting excessively long, and I didn’t even get to explaining how these valuations of relationships show themselves. So that’s what this post is for. Anyways, there are, I’m sure, endless ways that these…